Laurgasms

Having someone close to me with cancer has really done a number on my thought process. I guess it’s a weird revelation for me to actually be depressed and not have much control over that, but it’s happening and I have to say it’s quite an uncomfortable feeling. It’s not just the cancer thing, it’s having to come to a lot of important decisions about where I’m going and what I’m doing. Our New York trip is going to be a big turning point for me, because I’ve decided that once we come back I’m quitting my job, finding something a lot more low-key and part time, and going back to school. Going to take control of my exercising and weight issues as well. I want to start now, but I’m honestly too frustrated with my dead end job and exhausting schedule to come home and work out every night, plus I feel like shit about the way I look and therefore don’t want to work out in front of anyone else. It’s a tragic cycle of obesity that I hope to end.

I’m purely looking forward to life right now. I’m looking forward to the changes, and dreading the fact that it’s going to take another month and a half to get there.

I guess it’s also worth mentioning that I haven’t had sex in at least a week and a half to two weeks.

Back to my original point, before I got to bitching about how shitty I feel. If Bill Gates had cancer, would billions of money suddenly find it’s way to researchers, and would a cure suddenly be found? In the same respect, where the hell is all of the money raised by charities and stuff for cancer research going? The American Association for Cancer Research was founded in 1907. Conferences, workshops, newsletters, web sites… honestly, how is this stuff helping? Information, great.

From the AACR.org’s lung cancer fact sheet:

While the most common type, NSCLC, is treated with surgery whenever possible, lung cancer is usually diagnosed after it has spread to other areas in the body, making a cure nearly impossible.

And then later…

Most patients with stage IV lung cancer or stage IIIB in which cancer cells are in the fluid around the lung – are very likely to have disease that has spread to other areas in the body and are treated with chemotherapy. They are rarely “cured.”

Some recent important advances have been made in treating early-stage NSCLC.

Their fact sheet REALLY doesn’t do much at all to give any sort of hope to someone dealing with Stage IV NSCLC (Non-small-cell lung cancer)… which worries me. Stage IV means that the cancer has spread to a far away organ… from the lungs to distant bones, for example, or the lymph nodes. The first quote says that most people with lung cancer are diagnosed once it has spread. So I can assume that a bunch of those are probably Stage IV. So I can assume that a large bunch of people get absolutely no consolation from the “facts”. Advancements have been made for some people with lung cancer! But not you. Sorry!

I’m not knocking the advancements. I’m just frustrated, I guess. Frustrated that it seems like there’s no chance in hell that my dad will live very long. Frustrated that some 30 year old with a 6 year old daughter might be going through the same thing my dad is, and that little girl won’t have her daddy with her when she graduates or gets married. It’s not just selfishness… I admit, I’m terrified that my dad won’t be able to give me away at my wedding, it crushes my soul. But it’s a selfishness for anyone who has to go through something like this. The feeling that not enough will ever be done.

In a completely different note, my cousin is dealing with the loss of her third child. She lost two twins at their birth not too many years ago, and she just lost her beautiful 5 month old daughter to SCID. She was due for a marrow transplant, but she contracted some viruses, her liver shut down, she didn’t make it through. Again, I feel anger that less could be done, but more just a mourning for the loss of an innocent soul.

The more I think about disease and death, the more life seems so unfair, full of inconsistencies and unanswered questions about meaning… value… worth… God… pain… Heaven… prayer… life… death…

I should stop. Bye now.