I’m only re-opening this page because posting thoughtful things on Livejournal seems like such a waste. At least here I know that there is a very small chance that someone will read it, and if they do, they’re the type of people I would actually WANT reading it.
So I found out that my dad is going to die.
I know, I know. He was going to die eventually before I found it out. But it makes everything seem so… temporary. Going from dreams of your dad walking you down the aisle and being a “grumpaw” to your kids to realizing he’s probably not going to be around within the next couple of years… it’s like running into a brick wall, every time I come to that realization again. My first mistake was running to the internet after I found out, and creating a sort of self-timeline for him. Granted, it’s more than a reasonable one… I pretty much give him 5 years at the most, and try not to think about anything worse than that. I’m reading the message boards… people being given an estimate of 3-4 months and “beating the odds” at 2 years. It’s honestly just as disheartening as thinking he’s dead tomorrow.
What I’m more running into, though, is my own issues with death. I shouldn’t say running into, because I’m actually more coming to terms with them. I’ve realized that I can’t make myself believe something that I will never have proof for. I can’t convince myself of God or of Heaven or of an afterlife, because although I can lie to everyone else, I can’t make myself believe my own stories. As easier as they would make my thought processes and my struggles with the unknown, I can’t lie to myself. I don’t know what happens after you die, and I envy those who truly believe they know.
What I came up with this morning is an interesting twist on reincarnation. Sort of a… leveling up in the universe, if you will. I must be new to the universe, because I can’t fucking fathom anything far beyond my own experience. Someone else, though… someone religious, someone with ingrained beliefs of the way things work… maybe, in some sort of past life, they had more experience than I. They kept something from those lives deep within them, beyond even their own scope of reasonability, that causes them to cling to that belief like a lifesaver… because it’s everything they’ve worked for so far. We cling onto whatever explanations about the universe we can, and we carry them on.
I’m such a n00b, though, because all I can think about is the finality of death. Wondering how the hell my existance can just come to an end. Wondering… if my daddy will get to walk me down the aisle.
| M | T | W | T | F | S | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| « Aug | ||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | ||
| 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |
| 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 |
| 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 |
| 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | |||
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