Laurgasms

Sometimes I surprise myself by my ability to get emotionally caught off-guard. You’d think that someone who tries to be aware of herself and her feelings would be able to prevent that from happening.

It’s hard to grasp the concept of death, and I find it unsettling that the one person in my life who questions EVERYTHING he comes across doesn’t question death. I finally broke down and cried because I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and see him more. I went out to dinner with my family last night, and I almost broke down again because for the majority of the meal it felt like I was sitting next to a ghost of my father. He would occasionally break in with a witty comment, but overall it just felt like he wasn’t there. Not to mention the fact that both he and my mother bring up the most uncomfortable topics at the most inappropriate times… to the point that my brother and I put up a wall between them and ourselves so that we could have a peaceful dinner. Do I want to hear that mom wants to do a slideshow for him when he dies when I’m trying to choke down my broccoli, already trying not to get upset because I feel like he’s already gone? No, I don’t. Give me a fucking break.

The entire thing makes me feel so rushed. Like I’m desperate to fit my entire lifetime into the next few months so that he can see everything and be there with me.

It’s hard. And it sucks. And it’s slow. And in one way I just want it all to end, but in another I really, really, really don’t.