Sometimes I surprise myself by my ability to get emotionally caught off-guard. You’d think that someone who tries to be aware of herself and her feelings would be able to prevent that from happening.
It’s hard to grasp the concept of death, and I find it unsettling that the one person in my life who questions EVERYTHING he comes across doesn’t question death. I finally broke down and cried because I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and see him more. I went out to dinner with my family last night, and I almost broke down again because for the majority of the meal it felt like I was sitting next to a ghost of my father. He would occasionally break in with a witty comment, but overall it just felt like he wasn’t there. Not to mention the fact that both he and my mother bring up the most uncomfortable topics at the most inappropriate times… to the point that my brother and I put up a wall between them and ourselves so that we could have a peaceful dinner. Do I want to hear that mom wants to do a slideshow for him when he dies when I’m trying to choke down my broccoli, already trying not to get upset because I feel like he’s already gone? No, I don’t. Give me a fucking break.
The entire thing makes me feel so rushed. Like I’m desperate to fit my entire lifetime into the next few months so that he can see everything and be there with me.
It’s hard. And it sucks. And it’s slow. And in one way I just want it all to end, but in another I really, really, really don’t.
Having someone close to me with cancer has really done a number on my thought process. I guess it’s a weird revelation for me to actually be depressed and not have much control over that, but it’s happening and I have to say it’s quite an uncomfortable feeling. It’s not just the cancer thing, it’s [...]
I’m only re-opening this page because posting thoughtful things on Livejournal seems like such a waste. At least here I know that there is a very small chance that someone will read it, and if they do, they’re the type of people I would actually WANT reading it.
So I found out that my dad is [...]
Just a random quote I found appropriate… thanks, Thoreau!
If we were left solely to the wordy wit of legislators in Congress for our guidance, uncorrected by the seasonable experience and the effectual complaints of the people, America would not long retain her rank among the nations.
Interesting considering the exaggerated left-wing v. right-wing dichotomy that’s currently [...]
I’m finding it a little hard not to hate people in the news today.
I used to say that people just gave Florida a bunch of crap for no reason, but then I realized… Floridians are constantly in the news for doing something really fucking stupid. You’re a senator. You are a public figure and government [...]
I hate to start off my blog with a bang; I know someone who probably won’t like this very much. I have to say something about Keith Olbermann. This comes from reading Bloggerman all day. I won’t disagree that he is a brilliant journalist. The points that he makes and his way with words are just [...]
There may eventually be a blog here. Until then, I’m playing with themes!
Deception is brutal.
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